Increasingly unacceptable behaviour and boundary violations are a deliberate tactic psychopaths use on their victims.

One thing victims of psychopathic abuse will notice, often looking back, is the increasingly outrageous behaviour and boundary violations that the psychopath carried out as their relationship with them unfolded. The sort of behaviour that leaves the victim wondering “Did they just say that? Did they just do that?”

Yes, they did just say that, or do that. Increasingly unacceptable behaviour and boundary violations are a deliberate tactic psychopaths use on their victims. It is part of the “gas-lighting” and identity erosion for which they are renowned. The victim starts to think they must be going mad, for no one would just act that outrageously and expect to get away with it. They start to question their own sanity and think they must be misreading the situation.

It is important to trust your own judgement when dealing with toxic people. If something doesn’t feel right something probably isn’t right. When you understand this type of behaviour for what it is and you see the intentions behind it, it becomes easier to resist and call the psychopath out on their behaviour. Let’s look at this facet of psychopathic abuse in more detail.

Why Do Psychopaths Do This?As we mentioned above, psychopaths love to “gas-light” their victims. Gaslighting refers to behaviour which is designed to chip away at a person’s sense of reality and question their own judgement and sanity.

It derives it’s name from the 1938 stage play Gas Light and its two film adaptions in 1940 and 1944. The films feature a murderous man who plays a variety of tricks on his wife to make her think she is going crazy, including dimming the lights in the house without telling he that he is the cause of this by switching on the normally unused lamps to conduct his clandestine activities in the attic.

In typical psychopath fashion the husband tries to deny to his wife that the lights are dimming at all, despite knowing full well that they are dimming and he is the one that is causing it. He is playing mind games with his wife to erode her sense of reality. The gas-light metaphor has made it’s way into psychological literature.

 

[Hare does have a psychopathy checklist.  It's interesting.  Check it out.]

Engaging in increasingly outrageous behaviour in the form of invasive, underhand or otherwise unacceptable comments or behaviour is just a slight variation on this general theme of gas-lighting. It is part of the identity erosion process and you will find it tends to be a gradual process as the psychopathic treats it almost like a game.

It will start with just the odd underhand comment here or there, which is laughed off as “just a joke” or “banter”. If you express offence then they will try to make out you are just over-reacting and move on. The first couple of times you may be able to write it off as a “bad day” for them.

Gradually though you will find the boundary violations become more and more common and they gradually chip away at your self esteem and identity. If they get away with one little thing, they will try a little more and then a little more still. They slowly wear you down psychologically with incrementally more unacceptable behaviour, but just gradual enough that kinder natured people will not notice or want to kick up a fuss.

Someone who manages to take a step back and look at the issue from a broader perspective will see that it isn’t acceptable though. If they compare what they accepted as “normal” treatment 3 or 6 months ago , or before they met the psychopath, versus what they routinely accept now, they will see the game the psychopath has been playing.

Keep reading.  It's fascinating, but you'll also need to protect yourself from the psychopath's gradual erosion of your identity.