DR. RAMANI DURVASULA: Everyone is attracted to narcissistic people

Everyone is attracted to narcissistic people.  They're charming.  They're charismatic.  They're confident.  Research has shown they're often rated as more attractive than other people.  They take good care of their bodies.  They know lots of interesting things. They're so concerned about hip cred that they are like they know the cool restaurant.  Oh, all of us have been indoctrinated to think that these are the people were supposed to be dating, right.  Who says no to charm, charisma, and attractiveness?  Me maybe, but just nobody else would do that.  So we're all attracted to them, right, until, and even with the vulnerable narcissistic folks, you'll say, "Really?  Someone's going to be attracted to sullen and resentful?"  That's not how they come off when you first meet them.  Many times a vulnerable narcissistic person looks like a vulnerable child who needs to be rescued.  So if you like rescuing people or puppies or any small vulnerable creature, that's going to seem actually very attractive to you.  So we're all attracted to them.

What about what are they attracted to in us?  What they are attracted to in us is our supply.  Now supply can mean different things to different narcissistic folks.  Classical sorts of supplier.  Are we attractive?  If we are attractive, if we have some form of social status, if we have resource, if we have connections, the things that would get them supply.  Here's where it gets wonky. Because the question of attractiveness is what attracts people?  It's almost the wrong question.  The more deep questions is what gets people stuck in narcissistic relationships?  Because narcissistic relationships start strong.  These are people who are running their fastest miles in the beginning of the marathon.  Like they're just like go!  And this is, these can often feel like a fairy tale.  It's glamorous and it's exciting and the dates are really interesting, and they're very attuned.  May be very attentive.  They focus on you and a figure what's going to work for you?  If they really want to keep you close they want to get you and they want to get you quick because then you're like a butterfly under glass.  Then they've got you captured because after all this good stuff happens, you've bought in.  You might even be dubious for a while, saying, "Seems too good to be true," or "I don't know," but then people after about, I always say somewhere between 6 weeks and 6 months, the devaluing stage starts and then it's . . . they've got you, right.  And then you might get the passive aggressive digs, the minimization, the lack of empathy, the withdrawing, the withholding, and people say where did that first six weeks go?  Did you like, we had such a good time and as the devaluing begins, people start to blame themselves.  So people who are more empathic, more forgiving, more optimistic, these are the kinds of people who get stuck because they're making allowances for this.  They're saying, "I mean, I can't, they were lovely and they did say they're having a really stressful time at work."  But their behavior is consistently dismissive and rude, and so you keep making excuses, excuses, excuses, but then there's a few good days sprinkled in there.